They say the first step is admitting you have a problem.
Well I think, I know I'm a shopaholic.
I buy things I don't even like or that look horrendous on myself, just because money is burning a hole in my pocket, and love is burning a hole in my heart. Yes that's right I think the reason why I love to shop so much is to make myself appealing to guys, but I overdo it when I buy items that make me looks fatter than a cat's butt. I hate being a shopaholic. The only time I have ever left a store because I didn't want to look anymore was last week, and that was because I realized over break I had gain a lot of weight. I'm hoping to work it off though..notice hoping as in it probably won't happen.
I will save more babbling for another day. As for right now, goodbye.

I know I haven't wrote in a while. I have been busy lately. Even to busy to work out. I should probably be doing homework and studying for a huge test tomorrow, but I don't feel like it. I love christmas, but I'm going away and I have never been away before. Ever. The guy I like. Well he sat next to me again today, but I can't have an intreats in him, he is was out of my league. Not that I have a league. Although if I was categorized then I would be at the bottom of the chain. Anyway I really want him, I guess my dreams will have to subside for now. On the other hand I completely embarrassed myself today when talking about the food sex in a pan. It was good, but then I talked to a friend about it and well it all went downhill from there. I'm not myself at school. I never have been, and I'm pretty sure no one ever wants to see the true me. Well my life is basically over, so now I shall just go to bed at 8:30 like a loser. Goodnight. I will never get him.

Yes, I realize I may not be good at anything. I realize some time, most times, life isn't fair. I just wanted something good to happen to me for once in my life. Something to come out of my hard work. Instead I got a flimsy piece of card stock with the wrong name on it. I want to die, in fact I probably will. I got a fortune last week. It said, "A great day lies ahead in the not too distant future." It is either wrong, or that great day is watching a body get buried. My body. It's been a long time since I have felt this pain. I really wish it would just disappear like it usually does, but it won't. If they had kind souls maybe, just maybe they would consider giving me an award. But I am not worthy of one, that's what they think. I have always know they hated me. Everyone does. It's hard not to, I guess. I just don't like this fact being rubbed in my face for the second year. I want to die. No. I'm going to die.

I might be only be a sophomore in high school, but speaking that I'm a high schooler I think I'm pretty intelligent. I may not be the best at everything, and my grades may be slipping a lot, but I write this blog. I write it for fun and to release frustration when I can't tell anyone else. This blog is my life. This  blog is the story of my life. It contains every secret that I wouldn't wish anyone to have the burden of keeping. I'm not saying that you shouldn't read my blog. I'm just saying do you really want to know everything about a 15 year old loser who sits in her room at night and writes on her blog. Actually to me that person sounds interesting. Anyway back to the topic. I just don't want anyone to have this over my head I don't want anyone to use this as a tactic to make me do something I regret. I know people from my school have found my blog. I know you probably hate me and don't think I deserve to even be expressing my feelings, but this is how I communicate.  If you haven't noticed I'm not very good with words, well in person. Its just when I'm on my blog I feel like I can say or do anything. I feel sort of invincible. I just wish other people would see that too.

Sometimes I wish the concept of Twilight could be real. Honestly sometimes I think it is, although most would say I'm crazy. I just wish that when I get married I can mean my vows, and be with my true love until the end of eternity. Most times I don't think I will even get married, let alone live forever. I feel like even if I met a guy like Edward or Jacob, metaphorically speaking, they wouldn't go for me. I'm not a Bella, but most times it feels like it.

Confusing matters!?!

I felt strange. It was like every nerve in my body was being electrocuted by one persons comfort. I don't know why I fall so easily. I really wish I didn't fall at all, then I wouldn't have so many wounds. I truly was forgetting the tiny ideas I had about him, but now I can't help it. It is like when you get a misquote bite. You try not to itch and irritate your skin, but at the end of the day you cant stop the urge to do so. Right now I really wish the bite would disappear, because I'm trying to piece back together and I don't need another arrow through my heart. While I was sitting in class trying not to let my emotions show all I thought about was him. Why do I have to think about him? Why did I have to be curious for more? Why can't my curiosity reflect within him? When that class was over I basically ran to the door. Then later I saw him again, and I looked away. This time I'm trying not to let anyone, especially him, know how I fell. Maybe ignoring him is the best thing to do, but at the same time he is a good guy and this time I know it's true.

I am finally over him. Although it did take a while. I realized we have no connection. He is just another douche I fell for.
I think I'll give my heart a relapse period this time. I definitely deserve it. Well my heart does. Honestly if one more guy would break my heart I would probably run off and die. Not literally, but you get the picture.
Even thought I really want to give my heart a break, I can't. I feel like a whore...well I guess I could say a feelings whore? Every time I like a guy I always find another one.

I think my life just ended. Her mom read the messages. Someone knows what I did.

Every time I look into your eyes, I want to faint. I may not have known you for long, but I just get a good feeling when I'm around you. To be honest I really want to hang out one on one, and definitely not with well the girl flirting with you. You don't even understand what it feels like for one of your best friends to flirt with the guy you like and hug him, and get him to kiss your feet. It kind of breaks my lonely heart. You can change that you know. I won't leave you like she did. I can stick it out. And you know you don't have to talk about how big your dick is;) Just don't forget I have a little bit of a thing for you. I honestly thought you had a thing for me too, but I guess not because you were flirting with her. You probably think I'm dumb and you probably don't understand this blog and why I do what I do. Lets just say this is my "real talk." I would encourage you to join, but you might be to busy flirting with my best friend...
Why does this always happen to me. There is a guy and me and then....you know what screw this. He just told me he likes her...I'm done.

Worst nightmare

So you know that moment when you find out that someone likes the guy you have been crushing on for a while...well I found out at homecoming. I noticed that a girl looked like she was going to cry, so I went and asked her if she was ok. It turns out that it was because the guy she liked was dancing with another girl. When I looked over to see who see was pawning over...it was him. Now I have no chance at all. Not like I had a chance before, but she is beautiful and well lets face it I look like I came out of a rats ass. Now I have to stop liking him, or I will feel horrible.

So I haven't made a blog in a while. I have been kind of busy, although when I look back on it I feel like I have done nothing.

My mother called me a cow!!

So today my own mother called me a cow. What's worse is that she did it in front of my friends. That isn't even the horrible part. My friends laughed. What kind of people laugh when their friend is called a cow...by her own mother!? I got home and of corse was really pissed off that my mom would even think about calling me a cow. I shouldn't even call her mom she isn't good at it anyway. I made some dinner which was really actually excellent you know for cold mashed potatoes, mac & cheese, and whole wheat spaghetti. I haven't really had a good meal like that since I decided to be a vegetarian, and that was almost three months ago.
What really is horrible is that school starts in less than a month, and I am not at the size 4 I wanted to be at. Although throughout this summer I have lost 12 pounds, but keep in mind I wanted to lose 20. I still want to lose 20 now that I know 10 lbs doesn't really take that much weight off, but at least I am at the weight that I was when I ended soccer last October.
Still when the crazy lady that lives in my house called me a cow all I could think of was how I am not good enough. How I am to fat to live. I have worked throughout this summer to get into the mindset that I was fit enough, but now that she has called me a cow. All my hard work has gone down the dusty drain that has been used to many times before.

Mysterious boy

When I went camping one day I dressed up. I had noticed the night before that the guy next door had glanced over at me a few times. He was tall and blonde. He had a toned body, and a little brown mole by his lips. On the second day I was camping I was eating lunch with my family. That's when it happened. My one and probably only movie moment I will ever have. I looked up, and he was staring at me. We actually made eye contact. For the first time in my life the guy way looking at me, and I caught him! I literally caught they guy next door staring at me. My brother and I later went down to the river. He came down about half an hour later with him brothers and who I assume was his dad. I just sat on a rock my a small river pool and bathed in the sunlight, and at first I didn't even realize, but he was slowly moving my way. I kept on giving him "the look," unfortunately he didn't notice, but his  dad did. After that I felt really awkward, and I never even talked to the one guy that has ever laid his eyes on me. I keep on regretting the fact that I should have gotten his number, or talked to him, or something other than be the quite girl in the corner. I really wish I had talked to him. So if you ever are reading this blog. Mysterious boy that I saw at a KOA in Leavenworth, please message me.

Old diary entries...

This passage is old. Over a year old, and it is about the same guy that my last post was about.
No one knows how bad I try to be good enough. I do one stupid thing and I realize how much people hate me. The faces, laughing, talking. I want it to stop. I want people to like me for who I am. He will never be mine and that is my fault. I will never talk to him and he will never look my way. Why do I like him? Why does it have to be him?

Here is another passage for a week later:
Guess what!! He is single again. Apparently she broke up with him, which is crazy because they were a perfect couple! I mean seriously! She let that hunk on the market! I'm remembering 7th grade at my party when I was crying. Lacey came out and said he would dance with me, and I said no. I should have said yes! That was the only chance I would have ever had to dance with him anyway. I find more and more I am thinking of him. I should really stop thinking about him. He will never be mine. I barely talk to the boy. Anyway Haley will get him soon enough. I miss him.

A passage from my camping experience...

I'm on a camping trip. Right now we are passing white water rapids. They are beautiful, yet I can only think of him. He is beautiful too. His curly hair and brown eyes give him something that is different than most guy. What is funny is that I really did think I was over him, yet when I saw him today all I could do was smile, and yell at my dad to drive faster and catch up with them. Back to the rapids. I can see us sitting on a huge rock far in the woods where we could still see the river. A picnic of some-sorts. But after I think of this all I can think of is how it will never work out. Well thats how everything else happens in my life... They don't.

Have you ever been in love?
If someone asked me this question I would have one answer.
Once a long time ago there was a boy that made me feel special. Like I was the prettiest girl in the world, like I had it all, and then I didn't. The magical feeling I had gotten has slowly faded over the past five years. To the point that I thought my fantasies of being with him were over, but I have just recently found out that they are not. I still dream of him.
Two nights ago I had a dream like usual that I was talking about how I wasn't beautiful. I usually have these dreams and they only involve me, but this dream was different. I think it was winter, and he told me not to say things like that because I am beautiful and gorgeous. I woke as soon as he said it. Well not exactly as soon as he said it, because I kept on replaying the moment in my head probably for hours.
The weird part about having this dream is that I never remember dreams with such clarity, no I never remember dreams at all. So why did I remember him calling me beautiful?
That is why I knew I was in love with him. Why if someone asks, I can say yes I was in love once. And that is why I might renew my fondness for him, maybe this time he might feel the same way.

You know those movies that make you cry in the first moments. Well I have watched many of those, listened to the messages, and wished my life to be like them. The lonely girl gets the quarterback on the football team. Or the nerdy girl falls for the captain of the swim team. The only problem with those scenarios is that there is no such thing as two people from different parts of life falling in love. If those movies really expressed what happens in high school, then last year when I asked Collin to go to Homecoming he would have said yes. Maybe the person that I actually wanted to go with would have even noticed my existence in this world. Maybe the one guy I actually was myself around would have liked me the same way. I mean I bet some people from different walks of life really do fall in love, but that doesn't mean the one I have pined over for five years has or will ever look at me and say I want to be with that girl till death do us part. As much as I wish the perfect guy would nock on my door and ask me to coffee, it will not happen. That is because I am the fat ugly girl with acne, and of corse he is the jock on the football team. If it would work out, I would have completed my dream of having a movie love affair in real life. Well I would want it to be more of a love affair, but once again love has never really been my cup of tea.
Now to tell you about the guy I have pined over for how long has it been now, five years.
He is sweet and charming. He gets embarrassed when he is caught in slight nudity. He offered to dance with my when I turned thirteen, because I was upset. He laid on my bed and feel asleep when my friends were being noisy. When I went to his house, years ago, he sat there and talked with me in his pajama pants. When my family was spending New Years with his he invited me upstairs, although I didn't go. I had a locker next to him in middle school, and every second I was getting my school books with him, I was smiling.
Sixth grade is when I fell in love with him. Five years later, I still feel the same way as I did standing by him at those lockers.

Beautiful people gone...

The other night I was looking up videos on YouTube, and some videos were morning people that had died. I watched some of them, and sat for hours balling my eyes out. I have always wondered what it would be like losing someone that was close to you. I have lost people before, but I didn't know them when they past. I feel bad for the family and friends. To go through that you must be a very strong person.

Yesterday...

Sarah went home about an hour ago, so I am practically as bored as I could ever be. I met her at the mall yesterday and then she spent the night. Our goal was to workout all night, but instead we started watching some stupid movie about surfers and eventually fell asleep. Sometime in the night my laptop was thrown to the ground. Probably due to my feet that seem to never stop moving. Due to this factor I have realized that I should really go to bed earlier and read books instead of watch immature movies on the internet. When we woke up we went and ate breakfast, then stalked people on Facebook. So that's pretty much what we did. If you want to know what girls usually do keep on reading for the small details I left out. So here they are. When we got home from the mall we decided we were going to go to the middle school and workout. So we took the long way and walked the whole 2 or 3 miles it take to get there. In those miles we discussed the topic of sluts and when people should give peanut butter. We have basically decided that when people are ready and they are in love, then and only then should they have peanut butter. If anyone actually reads my blog you should answer back. That would be great because most of the time I feel like no one actually reads this.

Summer

It's hard to think that this is what my 3rd week of summer. Practically my 4th, and yet I have only bought 4 items and worn 1 semi cute outfit, which doesn't even look that good speaking of the fact that I am wearing a sports bra. The top is horizontally stripped and multi colored. I have on a "cardigan," which is really just a cropped piece of fabric to cover my arms because I am to embarrassed to show them because they are fat and really pale. Then again I am really pale in general, so it doesn't really matter.  Anyway back to the topic. This is the second nice day in summer. The flowers are bloomed and taking over the small "gardens" that my parents decided to build into the deck, which is tearing up...God we should have used other material. Right now what is going underneath the deck is worse. Once again my mother is going off about how she wants everything to be clean and dandy. If she wanted that to happen she might want to gain our respect, so that we would actually do it. To start off with she should keep to her diet that has failed for the past 10 years that she said she was going to lose weight. My dog has now run upstairs. I figure we feel the same way about my mother. I mean I love her, but she is crazy, and no matter what you say to her she seems to make an argument out of it. I have talked to my dad on numerous occasions about this factor of my messed up life. The problem is that the lady of my birth thinks everything she does is right, and she will not stop pestering you until you admit that she is right. Even if she's not.

Life sucks

They don't understand what it's like to walk around and feel discussing. I don't want to be in public, because I don't want to face the humiliation of people seeing how my face is concealed by acne. How my body consists of fat, and my hair is uncontrollable due to the poof the propels its way into space. I wish I was born as someone else. Someone who has nothing to complain about. Someone that can eat  healthy and not gain weight or exercise and lose weight. Not someone who gains 5 pounds when they eat a salad, or can never lose weight no matter how many miles are worn on a track of black decay. I just want all my problems to go away. I want to be able to walk into a room and feel comfortable in my jeans and plain white tee. Instead I look like you stuffed a hippo into a corset. If you can imagine your worst nightmare, that place you never want to see. Then you know how I feel. That isn't even a single part of it though. It's not just my weight and my unbearable acne. It's simply the way I feel whenever I see beautiful people. Beautiful as in people who have the most unbelievable confidence and are completely fine with the way they look in clothes. The ones that don't have to wear makeup to feel gorgeous. I want that type of life, but I guess you have to dress for the life you want to lead. So I should probably make some changes because I don't want to be the fat girl with acne anymore.

I want a guy. No I don't just want any guy.

I used to be really close with my family. These days it doesn't seem to much like that.
It's not like I drifted away, they could still talk to me and ask me how my day was. They just don't. I wish they would just talk to me like the old days instead of telling me I am cold hearted and not worth their time. If only they could see that I'm depressed. It would make my life so much easier. Then they might understand why I am incapable of interesting social reaction. I mean I have my few close friends but even they are to confused by me to stick around. They are slowly drifting apart to. Anyway back to my parents. Whenever I am around them I can't speak adequately or I am completely quite. Another thing I have to deal with is that they want me to get good grades, but they still want me to be with them 24/7. I can't do that. Not anymore. I am to old to throw away my 3.8 something GPA to spend time with my family.
Is this really my life? I have to fight my family to get a good grade? Grades aside, when it comes to my friendships my dad gets on my back about having friends over all the time. I honestly do not have friends....over all the time. No. I honestly do not have friends. I feel like I'm alone. Even when I hang out with my friends I feel like they don't want to get to know me for who I really am. Do they all think I'm some stupid stuck up prick that ignores everyone because I want to. I am not that person. I just can't live my life the way I picture it in my head, and I don't ignore everyone because I want to. It's because I hate myself so much the thought of making other people as miserable as I feel terrifies me. That's right I said it....or typed it.
I ignore everything because I don't want people to see the horrible person I am. That is probably why ghosts haunt me and well I'm basically crazy. I just don't get it! The rest of my family is perfectly fine, but me I sit in my room just starring off in space for hours, just sitting doing nothing. I don't even know what I think about. Maybe I think of what I want my life to be. Who knows? Right? If only someone did know what was wrong with me. My life would be so much less complicated if someone knew the exact dreadful pain I go through to live my life the "normal" way.

When you talk about me and I'm standing right behind you. It's not ok. Even if you talk about people when they are not around it is still not ok. It doesn't look like I have problems but I do. What about all the other people you are hurting that have secrets that they are incapable of letting anyone know.

I can't help it if I have feelings for him, but that doesn't mean I love him, or even like him as more than a friend. Even if I kind of do like him as more of a friend, you really don't need to tell everyone.
When I think about it though I really do like him. If my friends are reading this then ya my secret is out... even though I'm pretty sure it was obvious that I have liked him almost half of the year. I really didn't know it though. And he is not the type of guy I usually like. I mean he used to be a jerk to me when I was growing up, but he has grown up and I like the grown up;) He is damn SEXY!!!! He is also talks to me now and he is definitely not a jerk to me anymore. He actually gives me compliments sometimes...I mean if telling me I look sexy in yoga pants is a compliment.

I walk through the stores like someone out there actually cares about me. I try to walk with a confidence that really doesn't exist. Sometimes I think about where my life went wrong. I believe that in every little kid they have paths that they can take. I guess I forgot which way my signal was blinking on because I turned crashed and burned.

BND I'm not sure if I like you. I'm not sure if I really like anyone. I know I have said this before, but I'm really confused. Not to mention I feel like an idiot because people come to me asking about love, when I have never experienced it. I may have liked many guys but that doesn't mean I have ever had a relationship or even understand them....or kissed someone. This is what sucks. I feel like everyone has at least one experience, but not me. Which is strange because whenever someone is having guy troubles they come to me.
I wish I could look into the ones eyes and know that I am safe forever, but I guess that is just a dream I have to wait for. If it ever comes true.

Beginning a new life...

As I sit here and think about graduation and college. I have realized I only have three years left. Lately I have been thinking about this a lot, crying about this a lot. But it is really setting in. Three years. Only three. I have so much I want to do, but no enough time. I feel like every week I don't get to be with my friends that I am losing precious time that I will never get back, because after the hats are thrown and the gowns are put away we will never meet again. None of my friends know how deeply this concerns me. I have cried for the past week. I don't want to leave them. They are my life and to know I will only see them for the next three years...I can't take it. I wish I had more time. Half of my friends I almost never hang out with except for at school. I want to change that. I want to see them all the time, because I know that no one will be following me to Arizona State. Tiana and Ashlee have made plans to go to college in Hawaii. Rachel is moving far away. Lydia will go to Montana and find a lumber jack. They are all going places...they will all see each other some day again, but not me. I will be a loner and travel to Arizona by myself. Millie will visit occasionally, but other than that it will just be me. What if I never see Ellie, Abbie, Tiana, Ashley, Taylor, Erika, Desiree, Rachel, ect. ever again!? How am I supposed to walk through the halls and be told that they can't hang out? At the speed time is moving tomorrow might be the last day I get to see them.
I can literally see all of my friends grown up with happy lives, amazing families, and friends. Ashlee and Tiana will be neighbors. Tiana will marry some handsome black lawyer and Ashlee will marry some Gorgeous rich gymnast and they will live in huge mansions and have amazing lives. Rachel will find some beautiful guy that will treat her right and live in a cozy house filled with love. Lydia will live in a log cabin in Montana that over looks a pasture with some hunk of a guy to call her own. They will all have grand lives....but I will not be there to witness them. I will be studying my butt off and living with my parents to try to pay off bills. I will not live a fabulous life and I will never see them again.
Thinking of life without the people that know me best makes me cry.
Three years thats all we have, and we better make the most of it.

I wish you knew that I was alive. You are so funny and nice but I will never get the chance to interact with that side of you. I just have to face walking next to you in the hall and not saying a word. Looking at you and feeling the way I do, even though you are oblivious to it.
When I see him, I shiver, I wish to know him so bad. No one can understand how much I want to call him, see him, talk to him. I can't. Do you know how hard that is, not to see him or talk to him. I know I am repeating everything, but this is the way I feel and I can't help it. BND you have me hooked.
In class we are reading Romeo and Juliet. I wish my life could be expressed as their love is. Everyone laughs because they are so mussy and in love, but when I read it I want to cry. If only their love was real, and it was my life. Minus the part of dying, age difference, and rivalry.
Boy Next Door please notice me. I know you did today, but that is the first time in 3 years. And it was only because I was being loud. I want you. Mistake. I need you.

You are the perfect person. Your nice, funny, and extremely attractive. Thats why you don't notice me. I feel that whenever I like anyone they are going after Tiana or Ashlee, and have no idea that I even exist. Thats what sucks about having friends. You feel like your invisible. The thing is though, I know I'm invisible.No one ever says hi to me, and I really do think I'm a nice good person. I try not to be a jerk, but everyone thinks I am because I'm awkward, nervous, and really crazy. I wish it would just stop, because now I don't even think my friends know who I am.

If you are chosen for something it means you are an all around amazing person.So what does that make me? I mean I know I'm not attractive, but just because they are doesn't mean they should have everything in life handed to them, right?

As I look around this room everyone is naturally gorgeous, but not me. I feel like I have to put on makeup and do my hair to look beautiful, and even then I still don't.

Future???

Maybe someday I will be something great. I could be a college professor, or an author. I really have no idea. I have always wanted to be a forensic anthropologist, but I do like to write, so what if I was to be and author?

My Timer.

I don't know if anyone has every heard of the movie timer, but I wish the concept of it was real. It is about people who have timers put into their arms, and when they meet their true love it goes off. I feel like mine would have already gone off...a long time ago.
The only problem about talking to him is that he is way out of my league. I do not deserve to have a guy as nice and attractive as him. Even though no one else thinks he is very attractive, apparently they can not see what I see, because I see someone beautiful in all ways. If only he saw that in me. The thing is when I think back in time, he might have seen beauty in me. But not anymore.
Anyway back to the timer. I think my timer is my heart it just has never been tested to see if it works right.

This is for you Boy Next Door

Neighbor,
                You are the type of guy that will probably never notice me. The thing is I have noticed you. Boy next door. I remember when I would walk past your house when I was young. I would smile and sometimes wave. You probably never noticed. Why would you notice me? You are popular, on the football team, and probably one of the nicest people I will ever meet. The only time I know that you noticed me was when you waved 3 years ago. I will probably never forget that moment. It has been three years. You probably don't even realize that I'm your neighbor. But to me you are the boy next door. Even though I am just a chick down the street. I notice you. You also seem like the guy that isn't into every girl he meets unlike some people I know. I want to get to know you. I just wished you felt that same way about me.
                You see I have never had a boyfriend, or kissed anyone. I have never found that one guy that likes me for me and calls me beautiful because they really think it's true, thats the type of guy that you seem to be. I have never found the "one" or even similar to him. See every guy I have liked is now a jerk or ended up not being who I thought they were. Either they would be really nice when we were alone and not talk to me in public, or they ended up being really mean and started calling me names. Yes remember 6th grade, that was him.
              You will probably never see this, but if someone shows you, I hope you will take my offer up and get to know me, because I would like to know you.

Sincerely,
                 Girl Next door.

To you.

Dear Grandpop,

       I don't know if you can see this, but I miss you. I think about you all the time. I wish I could have met you, and I wish I could have spent time with you. I wish you were here right now so I could tell you how much I love and miss you. Sometimes I really feel like you are with me. Like you are right in front of me I just can't see you. Like now for instance. I feel that whenever I think of you, you are magically with me. Sometimes I feel like you help me through life. When the times are bad I feel like someone is watching over my shoulder. I just wish you would give me a sign so that I can know if you are here or if it is just a cold breeze. Thats really what I want. A sign. Just please let me know that my life is going to be ok, and everything will turn out like it is planned. I think you were there last year. I think you are part of the reason I am still living. I love you so much. You probably don't understand how much I wish you were her with me right now. I would tell you how much I miss you. I feel like I know you, and I just wanted you to know that. Also, when I go back to New Zealand, if you are there, please meet me at your grave. Because I do feel that you are there, and I would just like to say that if you wanted to meet me, please meet me at your grave. I love you Grandpop, and I always will. I hope you are having the best time in heaven, maybe I will be lucky enough to join you someday. We could hold our own comedy night;)Love you, more than you will ever know.

Holley.

Spring Break is almost here! I can't wait to actually do something other than school work! Although I don't know what I will do. I think I will run, but other than that, spring break is just another boring week.

DJ stop reading my blog.

Crying for help.

I am crying. I do not know why. I feel like my life has been messed up for a while, but I just didn't notice. That is why I don't think I have been crying. I feel like it will happen. One day I will be here and the next day I will not. I don't want to try at anything anymore. I hate pressure, but at the same time I love it because it fuels my life. Right now the only reason I am here is to move on. I want to move somewhere, fall in love, and never come back. But I know life is not like that. And anyway I will never find love. I think I have given up on that idea. I have no more will to try to talk to people. No one has liked me before so why would anyone like me now? That is what runs through my mind whenever I consider liking a person. I wish if someone really did like me that they would just say hi. Why can't people understand that is all I want. I want someone I can share my life with, so I will not end up writing these depressing blogs, someone that makes me truly happy.
 I really do feel like a shadow. I give signs but no one sees them. They ask me what I am talking about, or if I am insane. But I am not, I am just confused. No one realizes that I am, but it is true.Sometimes I just think I am crying for help that will never find me.
Holley.

Webs

On a happy note. I might have had one of the best and worst weeks of my life. I am slowly becoming happier! On Friday I went on a walk with a good friend of mine. I needed that walk because lately I feel like my life is a spider web and it is being caught in the wind.

Run.

I want to run. I want to run so far that my feet bleed, so far that I can not breath or speak or walk. I want to run till the top of the mountains. I would run a thousand miles. I don't want any walls to fall down again. I have not cried. I think something bad will happen. I just want it to stop. Why can I not cry? How come I went from crying every night to not at all? Why? I just am begging nothing bad will happen....not again. Please. I have a feeling what will happen and I know that will make me cry.......for years on end. I beg for nothing horrific to happen, PLEASE! And that is why I want to run. I want to run away the feeling of pain.

Sunny!

It is getting sunnier!!! I am so excited for Summer! I can't wait till I get to wear shorts and tank tops every day, till I can work out and get better at soccer, and to feel the warmth. A heater is warm, but it is not the same as the sun. I really do miss the sun and I want it back! I want to run and jump and go completely insane!!! Summer is upon us my friends, I can feel it.

Listen.

To you.
You know who you are. He is a control freak. My dad and I were talking...if you meet him. I beg you please don't go alone. He may seem like a good guy, but you don't know the real him through the internet. Just please if you meet him, meet him in public with a lot of people. I feel like there is another side of him that you don't know. A lot of people don't realize it but I am a good judge of character. I may goof off, but when I think something, I stick with it, and it is usually right. I just beg of you to listen to me because I don't want to see you on the news. I don't want to hear that you were found in a ditch, just listen. Please. I love you and I don't want you to get hurt.
Holley.

HUNGER GAMES!!!

I saw Hunger Games last night. It was such a good movie! If you have read the books you know that Rue from district 11 dies. When Katniss is helping her the whole movie theater was crying, but not me. I really wanted to cry, but I feel that I can't. Maybe I am saving my tears for a horrific moment. Maybe that is what God is trying to tell me is going to happen. I hope it will not, but I am getting tired of not crying. I hold my frustration in, it will make me lose my mind.
Anyway the Hunger Games is so true to the book, well as much as they can in 2 1\2 hours. So if you were debating, you should go see it. It is worth the $10.

Mine

As I write I am talking to you.
Every morning you look at my blog. You see if there is anything more that I say. My blog is my personal life, if you can talk to me you can ask. I will tell you. I have nothing to hide anymore. But if you are to shy to talk to a freshman, you may read my blog. If you want to read it though, you are getting inside my head. You may not want to find out what I have to say or the actions I do. My writing comes from my heart, not from some junkie tv episodes. So when you are reading this, keep in mind, how much of my mind do you really want to know? Because there will be a lot more of it displayed for all to see. I started this blog so some random strangers could relate to me...not so people I know can get in my head.
Please remember this is my life...not some blog.

expression.

When I write I express my feelings. I feel that it is an alternate world and I am the creator. The people surrounding me may be thinking what is wrong with me, but writing is like my meditation. I stop thinking about the problems around me and start think....about anything really. That is anything that comes to mind. I write about the sun, my friends,family, ect. I write about how bad I feel, or what I hate about people, such as Daljit or luis. BLAH I hate those people. That is another thing I write about. People that are stuck up.
There are more than one of them in this room(mos PD5) They think they are so above the rest of us that they don't talk to me, or my friends? Because they are not. I play sports,hell, I have been at this school longer than their ugly ass! But no, that is not how it works. Even though they moved here after me, they get more attention, more "friends."
I was just thinking about my name. I have gone to this school since kindergarden, but as soon as I get to high school they are like o we shall call you Holly not Holley. Do you know how pissed of that makes me! I want to scream, or jump off a roof, maybe then they would spell my freaking name right!

Better!!!

Yesterday my parents brought me a freaking car!!! Where I live you can get your drivers permit at 15!!! And last Sunday I turned 15! But my day just kept getting better! After that I went over to my friend Erika's house and found out that a creepy boy liked me.. I am freaking out! BEST WEEK EVER!!!!

Back...

I haven't cried one tear in 9 days. Not because I am happy but because I am incapable of doing so. I want to find a corner and cry until I can't see anymore. I feel terrible like my heart is gone, not living, and yet I still am. I just walk through the hallways like a ghost. I try not to talk, I try to be invisible, but it does not work. My friends say I need help. They tell me to see a doctor, and yet as the days go by I can imagine what my family and friends would think if I wasn't around anymore.  As I am typing, now I cry. The sad tears of the past only come out when I am thinking or writing about my life. It is sad really, that people don't know how much I don't want to be here. How much I wish I could disappear. No one thinks that I do not like my life, they do not know how I really feel. Even my friends don't. I just blend in with a crowd, I am not beautiful or talented. They pass me by not knowing how strong my feelings are, how I can express my feelings deeply through writing but not through speech. If the people in my life knew this was happening, they would send me to a mental hospital. My parents do not believe in depression or suicide, even though it is going on right in front of them. All they see is me growing up, happy. And my friends tell me I don't know what real depression is, but I do. I used to come home to cry every night. I would cry myself to bed and lock myself in my room until I starved. I know what depression is, without a doubt. It is a pain that I can not describe. It controls your mind, your body, your soul. It makes you lock yourself away so others do not have to deal with your pain and confusion. They do not have to listen to endless stories of how you wish you were not on this earth. I have posted before that my depression is coming back. It is back, and I can't live through it this time.

Friend problems

A friend of mine has been getting texting from her friends boyfriend. I honestly think that this boy is creepy and my friend should not be texting him, because recently he has became needy and I honestly think he will become a stalker and I want her to stop.

Again...

Im slowly drifting back to the person I used to be.
My friends don't understand the pain they can put me through.
How am I supposed to forget the past when they make me remember the bad times.
They prank texted me this morning. They used to do this all the time but it is worst now because they know more about me what makes me tick and what I swoon over. On the bus a good friend told me that they had been talking about how they prank texted me. My heart stopped when I found out. I didn't know either to cry or to yell. When I came home I found that I could not cry any longer. I was all out of tears. Now I am just a body, smiling, laughing, but dying inside. I can see my past. It is upon me and I am scared. I do not want to go back to the place that I was in before.

A Long way...

In a year I have came a long way. I am stronger and I will continue to be myself and love my life, so I will never want to take it again.

I could have been in the ground...

Unlike what you think my life has not been as perfect as it may seem.

8th Grade:

I came home crying everyday. My parents never saw, I hid my shame in fear. I may have been smiling everyday at school. It may have seemed like my life was fine, but that was not the case. March 18th last year was my birthday. This was the one time I came home and cried in front of my parents. A guy on the bus was talking to some guy and said, " I don't want to sit with you, faggot." The girl next to me who I have always thought was a bitch told me that he wasn't talking to me. It wasn't as bad as some of the things that have happened. It was my birthday after all, and I couldn't handle the small things anymore. When I got home I tried to run to my room, but instead my dad confronted me and I let my walls fall down.

This was my worst year. I let all of the things I have been called or that have been said to me...I let them sink in all at once. 

I was texting my friend when I decided I didn't want to live. I told her goodbye and that she was an amazing friend but I couldn't do everything anymore. I tried to suffocate myself. During the time she called twice. She begged me not to do it. She told me that people loved me and that everything was going to be ok. Then she started crying, she told me that I could live and I should see a doctor for help...That is when I felt that I couldn't do it, not for myself but for my friends and family. I couldn't take my life and live in Hell, God gave me a path and no matter what I would have to finish it. I kept on thinking about the faces of my family if they found me lifeless. I never went to the doctor. I didn't want my parents finding out that I really was depressed.  

 I didn't cry after that Saturday. I still keep my feelings in a bottle but have found ways of getting my frustration out. I now play soccer and have amazing friends that are always by my side(well most of the time). I am so glad I did not take my new experiences away from me. 

Although I do not want to ever go back to that place I was in. I see glimpses of the past throughout my everyday life. Sometimes I am excluded or I am out of place. This makes me remember how it was. How my friends wanted me to tell the doctor. How right at this very moment I could of been in the ground instead of writing this. 

I have never told anyone my story. I will literally tell anyone everything, and that is just the way I am. But when it comes to my history with life and death...I don't say a word.