I could have been in the ground...

Unlike what you think my life has not been as perfect as it may seem.

8th Grade:

I came home crying everyday. My parents never saw, I hid my shame in fear. I may have been smiling everyday at school. It may have seemed like my life was fine, but that was not the case. March 18th last year was my birthday. This was the one time I came home and cried in front of my parents. A guy on the bus was talking to some guy and said, " I don't want to sit with you, faggot." The girl next to me who I have always thought was a bitch told me that he wasn't talking to me. It wasn't as bad as some of the things that have happened. It was my birthday after all, and I couldn't handle the small things anymore. When I got home I tried to run to my room, but instead my dad confronted me and I let my walls fall down.

This was my worst year. I let all of the things I have been called or that have been said to me...I let them sink in all at once. 

I was texting my friend when I decided I didn't want to live. I told her goodbye and that she was an amazing friend but I couldn't do everything anymore. I tried to suffocate myself. During the time she called twice. She begged me not to do it. She told me that people loved me and that everything was going to be ok. Then she started crying, she told me that I could live and I should see a doctor for help...That is when I felt that I couldn't do it, not for myself but for my friends and family. I couldn't take my life and live in Hell, God gave me a path and no matter what I would have to finish it. I kept on thinking about the faces of my family if they found me lifeless. I never went to the doctor. I didn't want my parents finding out that I really was depressed.  

 I didn't cry after that Saturday. I still keep my feelings in a bottle but have found ways of getting my frustration out. I now play soccer and have amazing friends that are always by my side(well most of the time). I am so glad I did not take my new experiences away from me. 

Although I do not want to ever go back to that place I was in. I see glimpses of the past throughout my everyday life. Sometimes I am excluded or I am out of place. This makes me remember how it was. How my friends wanted me to tell the doctor. How right at this very moment I could of been in the ground instead of writing this. 

I have never told anyone my story. I will literally tell anyone everything, and that is just the way I am. But when it comes to my history with life and death...I don't say a word.