Back...

I haven't cried one tear in 9 days. Not because I am happy but because I am incapable of doing so. I want to find a corner and cry until I can't see anymore. I feel terrible like my heart is gone, not living, and yet I still am. I just walk through the hallways like a ghost. I try not to talk, I try to be invisible, but it does not work. My friends say I need help. They tell me to see a doctor, and yet as the days go by I can imagine what my family and friends would think if I wasn't around anymore.  As I am typing, now I cry. The sad tears of the past only come out when I am thinking or writing about my life. It is sad really, that people don't know how much I don't want to be here. How much I wish I could disappear. No one thinks that I do not like my life, they do not know how I really feel. Even my friends don't. I just blend in with a crowd, I am not beautiful or talented. They pass me by not knowing how strong my feelings are, how I can express my feelings deeply through writing but not through speech. If the people in my life knew this was happening, they would send me to a mental hospital. My parents do not believe in depression or suicide, even though it is going on right in front of them. All they see is me growing up, happy. And my friends tell me I don't know what real depression is, but I do. I used to come home to cry every night. I would cry myself to bed and lock myself in my room until I starved. I know what depression is, without a doubt. It is a pain that I can not describe. It controls your mind, your body, your soul. It makes you lock yourself away so others do not have to deal with your pain and confusion. They do not have to listen to endless stories of how you wish you were not on this earth. I have posted before that my depression is coming back. It is back, and I can't live through it this time.