Spring Break is almost here! I can't wait to actually do something other than school work! Although I don't know what I will do. I think I will run, but other than that, spring break is just another boring week.

DJ stop reading my blog.

Crying for help.

I am crying. I do not know why. I feel like my life has been messed up for a while, but I just didn't notice. That is why I don't think I have been crying. I feel like it will happen. One day I will be here and the next day I will not. I don't want to try at anything anymore. I hate pressure, but at the same time I love it because it fuels my life. Right now the only reason I am here is to move on. I want to move somewhere, fall in love, and never come back. But I know life is not like that. And anyway I will never find love. I think I have given up on that idea. I have no more will to try to talk to people. No one has liked me before so why would anyone like me now? That is what runs through my mind whenever I consider liking a person. I wish if someone really did like me that they would just say hi. Why can't people understand that is all I want. I want someone I can share my life with, so I will not end up writing these depressing blogs, someone that makes me truly happy.
 I really do feel like a shadow. I give signs but no one sees them. They ask me what I am talking about, or if I am insane. But I am not, I am just confused. No one realizes that I am, but it is true.Sometimes I just think I am crying for help that will never find me.
Holley.

Webs

On a happy note. I might have had one of the best and worst weeks of my life. I am slowly becoming happier! On Friday I went on a walk with a good friend of mine. I needed that walk because lately I feel like my life is a spider web and it is being caught in the wind.

Run.

I want to run. I want to run so far that my feet bleed, so far that I can not breath or speak or walk. I want to run till the top of the mountains. I would run a thousand miles. I don't want any walls to fall down again. I have not cried. I think something bad will happen. I just want it to stop. Why can I not cry? How come I went from crying every night to not at all? Why? I just am begging nothing bad will happen....not again. Please. I have a feeling what will happen and I know that will make me cry.......for years on end. I beg for nothing horrific to happen, PLEASE! And that is why I want to run. I want to run away the feeling of pain.

Sunny!

It is getting sunnier!!! I am so excited for Summer! I can't wait till I get to wear shorts and tank tops every day, till I can work out and get better at soccer, and to feel the warmth. A heater is warm, but it is not the same as the sun. I really do miss the sun and I want it back! I want to run and jump and go completely insane!!! Summer is upon us my friends, I can feel it.

Listen.

To you.
You know who you are. He is a control freak. My dad and I were talking...if you meet him. I beg you please don't go alone. He may seem like a good guy, but you don't know the real him through the internet. Just please if you meet him, meet him in public with a lot of people. I feel like there is another side of him that you don't know. A lot of people don't realize it but I am a good judge of character. I may goof off, but when I think something, I stick with it, and it is usually right. I just beg of you to listen to me because I don't want to see you on the news. I don't want to hear that you were found in a ditch, just listen. Please. I love you and I don't want you to get hurt.
Holley.

HUNGER GAMES!!!

I saw Hunger Games last night. It was such a good movie! If you have read the books you know that Rue from district 11 dies. When Katniss is helping her the whole movie theater was crying, but not me. I really wanted to cry, but I feel that I can't. Maybe I am saving my tears for a horrific moment. Maybe that is what God is trying to tell me is going to happen. I hope it will not, but I am getting tired of not crying. I hold my frustration in, it will make me lose my mind.
Anyway the Hunger Games is so true to the book, well as much as they can in 2 1\2 hours. So if you were debating, you should go see it. It is worth the $10.

Mine

As I write I am talking to you.
Every morning you look at my blog. You see if there is anything more that I say. My blog is my personal life, if you can talk to me you can ask. I will tell you. I have nothing to hide anymore. But if you are to shy to talk to a freshman, you may read my blog. If you want to read it though, you are getting inside my head. You may not want to find out what I have to say or the actions I do. My writing comes from my heart, not from some junkie tv episodes. So when you are reading this, keep in mind, how much of my mind do you really want to know? Because there will be a lot more of it displayed for all to see. I started this blog so some random strangers could relate to me...not so people I know can get in my head.
Please remember this is my life...not some blog.

expression.

When I write I express my feelings. I feel that it is an alternate world and I am the creator. The people surrounding me may be thinking what is wrong with me, but writing is like my meditation. I stop thinking about the problems around me and start think....about anything really. That is anything that comes to mind. I write about the sun, my friends,family, ect. I write about how bad I feel, or what I hate about people, such as Daljit or luis. BLAH I hate those people. That is another thing I write about. People that are stuck up.
There are more than one of them in this room(mos PD5) They think they are so above the rest of us that they don't talk to me, or my friends? Because they are not. I play sports,hell, I have been at this school longer than their ugly ass! But no, that is not how it works. Even though they moved here after me, they get more attention, more "friends."
I was just thinking about my name. I have gone to this school since kindergarden, but as soon as I get to high school they are like o we shall call you Holly not Holley. Do you know how pissed of that makes me! I want to scream, or jump off a roof, maybe then they would spell my freaking name right!

Better!!!

Yesterday my parents brought me a freaking car!!! Where I live you can get your drivers permit at 15!!! And last Sunday I turned 15! But my day just kept getting better! After that I went over to my friend Erika's house and found out that a creepy boy liked me.. I am freaking out! BEST WEEK EVER!!!!

Back...

I haven't cried one tear in 9 days. Not because I am happy but because I am incapable of doing so. I want to find a corner and cry until I can't see anymore. I feel terrible like my heart is gone, not living, and yet I still am. I just walk through the hallways like a ghost. I try not to talk, I try to be invisible, but it does not work. My friends say I need help. They tell me to see a doctor, and yet as the days go by I can imagine what my family and friends would think if I wasn't around anymore.  As I am typing, now I cry. The sad tears of the past only come out when I am thinking or writing about my life. It is sad really, that people don't know how much I don't want to be here. How much I wish I could disappear. No one thinks that I do not like my life, they do not know how I really feel. Even my friends don't. I just blend in with a crowd, I am not beautiful or talented. They pass me by not knowing how strong my feelings are, how I can express my feelings deeply through writing but not through speech. If the people in my life knew this was happening, they would send me to a mental hospital. My parents do not believe in depression or suicide, even though it is going on right in front of them. All they see is me growing up, happy. And my friends tell me I don't know what real depression is, but I do. I used to come home to cry every night. I would cry myself to bed and lock myself in my room until I starved. I know what depression is, without a doubt. It is a pain that I can not describe. It controls your mind, your body, your soul. It makes you lock yourself away so others do not have to deal with your pain and confusion. They do not have to listen to endless stories of how you wish you were not on this earth. I have posted before that my depression is coming back. It is back, and I can't live through it this time.

Friend problems

A friend of mine has been getting texting from her friends boyfriend. I honestly think that this boy is creepy and my friend should not be texting him, because recently he has became needy and I honestly think he will become a stalker and I want her to stop.

Again...

Im slowly drifting back to the person I used to be.
My friends don't understand the pain they can put me through.
How am I supposed to forget the past when they make me remember the bad times.
They prank texted me this morning. They used to do this all the time but it is worst now because they know more about me what makes me tick and what I swoon over. On the bus a good friend told me that they had been talking about how they prank texted me. My heart stopped when I found out. I didn't know either to cry or to yell. When I came home I found that I could not cry any longer. I was all out of tears. Now I am just a body, smiling, laughing, but dying inside. I can see my past. It is upon me and I am scared. I do not want to go back to the place that I was in before.

A Long way...

In a year I have came a long way. I am stronger and I will continue to be myself and love my life, so I will never want to take it again.

I could have been in the ground...

Unlike what you think my life has not been as perfect as it may seem.

8th Grade:

I came home crying everyday. My parents never saw, I hid my shame in fear. I may have been smiling everyday at school. It may have seemed like my life was fine, but that was not the case. March 18th last year was my birthday. This was the one time I came home and cried in front of my parents. A guy on the bus was talking to some guy and said, " I don't want to sit with you, faggot." The girl next to me who I have always thought was a bitch told me that he wasn't talking to me. It wasn't as bad as some of the things that have happened. It was my birthday after all, and I couldn't handle the small things anymore. When I got home I tried to run to my room, but instead my dad confronted me and I let my walls fall down.

This was my worst year. I let all of the things I have been called or that have been said to me...I let them sink in all at once. 

I was texting my friend when I decided I didn't want to live. I told her goodbye and that she was an amazing friend but I couldn't do everything anymore. I tried to suffocate myself. During the time she called twice. She begged me not to do it. She told me that people loved me and that everything was going to be ok. Then she started crying, she told me that I could live and I should see a doctor for help...That is when I felt that I couldn't do it, not for myself but for my friends and family. I couldn't take my life and live in Hell, God gave me a path and no matter what I would have to finish it. I kept on thinking about the faces of my family if they found me lifeless. I never went to the doctor. I didn't want my parents finding out that I really was depressed.  

 I didn't cry after that Saturday. I still keep my feelings in a bottle but have found ways of getting my frustration out. I now play soccer and have amazing friends that are always by my side(well most of the time). I am so glad I did not take my new experiences away from me. 

Although I do not want to ever go back to that place I was in. I see glimpses of the past throughout my everyday life. Sometimes I am excluded or I am out of place. This makes me remember how it was. How my friends wanted me to tell the doctor. How right at this very moment I could of been in the ground instead of writing this. 

I have never told anyone my story. I will literally tell anyone everything, and that is just the way I am. But when it comes to my history with life and death...I don't say a word.