Love or a twisted revenge? For what?

I have a pain of loneliness settling in my stomach. I did not realize how much I longed to him until I started my quest of reading sad pitiful books of love and devotion. I am just a girl who's pain, over the years, has swelled to an unbearable degree.

Although I have had true feelings for those in the past, none of them have felt like this. It is incredible how much the mind can deceive us. One moment I feel as though  my life is finally on track, and the next my heart is ripped from it's core by teenage boys and their mockery.

Yes my rants are full of nonsense, but I did feel something. Something I have not felt in a long, long time. It was more than a casual teenage ponder of romance. I felt as though the world had finally answered all my questions. Like being near him would somehow subdue all uncertainties. It was real, maybe because I felt as if he was a friend. Now it is over. 

I find myself questioning my sanity, most days more than none. It probably does not come as a shock though, speaking that between school, home, and at other events my personality varies. I am shy at school, but around friends I am outgoing and brave. Whereas at home I constrict myself to my room. I thought this morning that if I left a letter, my parents could not even identify my writing because they do not seem to take interest in anything I personally devour as amusing. Anyway back to my sanity. I feel as though I am a different person, as if though I have been molded into this awkward person that I cannot comprehend let alone take form of. I have changed. It might in fact be from the twisted events I have been lead to believe involving what I though was love, or maybe it is just that I have moved on from the immature population called high school. A bit of both perhaps, all I know is that I am done with it all.