So much has gone wrong the last few days.
My Grandpa died. June 11,2013. I will miss him. So far I have tried to keep it inside and I will. I know sometime in the near future, I will explode. It will not be pretty, so I advice anyone with a cindering heart to leave me be for the time being.

I thought I was getting over him. Today at the mall I actually had fun pointing out attractive specimens. I though that maybe now I could move on and forget about him. Unfortunately I had an urge to text him. One that I have been holding off since the incident. Although it was only about homework, I had to make an excuse. Every time it is about homework. That is my lame way of getting people to talk to me. I may have committed this act of self pity because I am not over him, or because I had a total of one hour of sleep last night. Most likely a bit of both, either way I gave in and I can't take giving up any longer. I want him, I really truly do. My brain is telling me to stay away, but my heart cannot stop thinking of him. Although that is nonsense, hearts can not think. I imagine I stayed up all night because I was thinking of him. He kind of made me feel like I am that true outcast. I mean he doesn't even talk to me anymore. My life is a pathetic version of hell.

Confused.

I feel as though my parents don't even know me anymore. Heck, I don't even know me anymore. I have been so wrapped up with friends that I haven't taken time for myself. High school has transformed me into this strange person. I can't really describe it. I only know that when you don't recognize the person looking back in the mirror, you have officially lost your old self. For most people high school is a place to discover yourself, but not for me. I mean, I stopped reading and writing on my blog. It's like as soon as I entered high school all the things I loved, left me. Including myself. Now I am so awkward that I find I'm only sane when I am maxed out on a sugar high, or talking to adults because they actually understand where I'm coming from. Although people have said I'm a loner many times as a joke. I am that outcast. I don't know what I am going to do with my life. It is like all my plans fell through and so did my personality. I am messed up. Where is that sexy, unrealistic vampire when you need him? Save me, please.

Love or a twisted revenge? For what?

I have a pain of loneliness settling in my stomach. I did not realize how much I longed to him until I started my quest of reading sad pitiful books of love and devotion. I am just a girl who's pain, over the years, has swelled to an unbearable degree.

Although I have had true feelings for those in the past, none of them have felt like this. It is incredible how much the mind can deceive us. One moment I feel as though  my life is finally on track, and the next my heart is ripped from it's core by teenage boys and their mockery.

Yes my rants are full of nonsense, but I did feel something. Something I have not felt in a long, long time. It was more than a casual teenage ponder of romance. I felt as though the world had finally answered all my questions. Like being near him would somehow subdue all uncertainties. It was real, maybe because I felt as if he was a friend. Now it is over. 

I find myself questioning my sanity, most days more than none. It probably does not come as a shock though, speaking that between school, home, and at other events my personality varies. I am shy at school, but around friends I am outgoing and brave. Whereas at home I constrict myself to my room. I thought this morning that if I left a letter, my parents could not even identify my writing because they do not seem to take interest in anything I personally devour as amusing. Anyway back to my sanity. I feel as though I am a different person, as if though I have been molded into this awkward person that I cannot comprehend let alone take form of. I have changed. It might in fact be from the twisted events I have been lead to believe involving what I though was love, or maybe it is just that I have moved on from the immature population called high school. A bit of both perhaps, all I know is that I am done with it all.