Sometimes I question what my life will mean. Will I ever have a family of my own to share my successes and defeats with? I'm beginning to think this wish is impossible. I am a curse. Most people just think they have bad luck with dating and their lives, but really my life has put me through hell since my Grandpa died. I've made one mistake after another and I don't know why these opportunities continually arise. What I don't understand even  more is why I keep making the wrong choice.
There is a guy. The sweetest most gentle guy I have ever met. He cares so much about everything. He is smart and funny, and I have never felt this way for anyone else. Yet somehow I continually ruin all chances of being with him. I get nervous and awkward and try not to stare at him. I'm beginning to think that this will never happen, and that kills me. Maybe if I just drop off the face of the planet everything will be better.

A New Beginning

     I never realized how incredibly irritating my blogs were. Thinking back I only wrote them when I was in a bad mode or crying, but still that does not mean some guys actions needed to define me.
I'm officially out of high school, well technically I am doing Running Start so not quite. My point is I have learned a great deal. Such as guys do not define a person, and that being yourself is what really matters. Sure, I am surrounded by couples constantly, but that hasn't stopped me yet. I mean, yes it gets depressing when all my friends go out with their boyfriends and I'm alone. You know what, that is perfectly fine with me. Someday I will meet someone amazing, someone brilliant, who understands me. Perhaps I already have.
     The College experience does not define me, I do. Hoping I do a damn good job because I am not a mess around kind of person, and I just want to accomplish my goals and dreams. That happens to be studying the deceased, but I have to say I would rather be a risk taker than sit around waiting for the world to notice me. I just hope the rest of the world knows they have this power as well.

So much has gone wrong the last few days.
My Grandpa died. June 11,2013. I will miss him. So far I have tried to keep it inside and I will. I know sometime in the near future, I will explode. It will not be pretty, so I advice anyone with a cindering heart to leave me be for the time being.

I thought I was getting over him. Today at the mall I actually had fun pointing out attractive specimens. I though that maybe now I could move on and forget about him. Unfortunately I had an urge to text him. One that I have been holding off since the incident. Although it was only about homework, I had to make an excuse. Every time it is about homework. That is my lame way of getting people to talk to me. I may have committed this act of self pity because I am not over him, or because I had a total of one hour of sleep last night. Most likely a bit of both, either way I gave in and I can't take giving up any longer. I want him, I really truly do. My brain is telling me to stay away, but my heart cannot stop thinking of him. Although that is nonsense, hearts can not think. I imagine I stayed up all night because I was thinking of him. He kind of made me feel like I am that true outcast. I mean he doesn't even talk to me anymore. My life is a pathetic version of hell.

Confused.

I feel as though my parents don't even know me anymore. Heck, I don't even know me anymore. I have been so wrapped up with friends that I haven't taken time for myself. High school has transformed me into this strange person. I can't really describe it. I only know that when you don't recognize the person looking back in the mirror, you have officially lost your old self. For most people high school is a place to discover yourself, but not for me. I mean, I stopped reading and writing on my blog. It's like as soon as I entered high school all the things I loved, left me. Including myself. Now I am so awkward that I find I'm only sane when I am maxed out on a sugar high, or talking to adults because they actually understand where I'm coming from. Although people have said I'm a loner many times as a joke. I am that outcast. I don't know what I am going to do with my life. It is like all my plans fell through and so did my personality. I am messed up. Where is that sexy, unrealistic vampire when you need him? Save me, please.

Love or a twisted revenge? For what?

I have a pain of loneliness settling in my stomach. I did not realize how much I longed to him until I started my quest of reading sad pitiful books of love and devotion. I am just a girl who's pain, over the years, has swelled to an unbearable degree.

Although I have had true feelings for those in the past, none of them have felt like this. It is incredible how much the mind can deceive us. One moment I feel as though  my life is finally on track, and the next my heart is ripped from it's core by teenage boys and their mockery.

Yes my rants are full of nonsense, but I did feel something. Something I have not felt in a long, long time. It was more than a casual teenage ponder of romance. I felt as though the world had finally answered all my questions. Like being near him would somehow subdue all uncertainties. It was real, maybe because I felt as if he was a friend. Now it is over. 

I find myself questioning my sanity, most days more than none. It probably does not come as a shock though, speaking that between school, home, and at other events my personality varies. I am shy at school, but around friends I am outgoing and brave. Whereas at home I constrict myself to my room. I thought this morning that if I left a letter, my parents could not even identify my writing because they do not seem to take interest in anything I personally devour as amusing. Anyway back to my sanity. I feel as though I am a different person, as if though I have been molded into this awkward person that I cannot comprehend let alone take form of. I have changed. It might in fact be from the twisted events I have been lead to believe involving what I though was love, or maybe it is just that I have moved on from the immature population called high school. A bit of both perhaps, all I know is that I am done with it all. 

What has happened lately...in a nut shell...

You know my life is sad really. I spend most of my time watching YouTube videos and doing my makeup or worrying about my acne problems, or how fat I am. That is sad my friends. Sad to the max...did I really just type that.
Well anyway right now I'm working on an art project, while using the light of my makeup mirror. Did I mention gloomy. Sometimes I wish life was just like the movies, I would write on my blog everyday, my friends would stay over on a school night, I would have a boyfriend but not just any boyfriend. He would have to be the captain of the football team, or the boy that won state. Sadly this is fantasy and someone needs to give me a smack into reality, because this crazy lady ain't seeing things right.
I haven't written in a long time. I'm not sure why, I feel like I only write when I'm truly depressed. Which would make sense right about now, speaking that I saw the boy that I obsessively liked for five years, who called me a stalker and instigated my downward spiral into my messed up mind love fantasy game, otherwise known as oblivion. Yeah well that guy walked into my high school's talent show. It was literally like a movie moment, but not the dreamy type more like the nightmare from hell type, he walked in just as I turned and looked at the doorway. The worst part is my friends went to say hi to him, so I followed and then my other friend who didn't even know who he was told me to sit in the spot next to him, well first of all I was like hell to the nah, and second of all I had to tell her everything right there. Then they said my name, which he heard, and then I stood up and my name was on the back of my sweatshirt, and yeah he saw it. The worst thing is that the whole time I had insane butterflies, which I never get, and then I started thinking of how hot he got. I am a terrible person and that was the most awkward embarrassing night of my life!