BND I'm not sure if I like you. I'm not sure if I really like anyone. I know I have said this before, but I'm really confused. Not to mention I feel like an idiot because people come to me asking about love, when I have never experienced it. I may have liked many guys but that doesn't mean I have ever had a relationship or even understand them....or kissed someone. This is what sucks. I feel like everyone has at least one experience, but not me. Which is strange because whenever someone is having guy troubles they come to me.
I wish I could look into the ones eyes and know that I am safe forever, but I guess that is just a dream I have to wait for. If it ever comes true.

Beginning a new life...

As I sit here and think about graduation and college. I have realized I only have three years left. Lately I have been thinking about this a lot, crying about this a lot. But it is really setting in. Three years. Only three. I have so much I want to do, but no enough time. I feel like every week I don't get to be with my friends that I am losing precious time that I will never get back, because after the hats are thrown and the gowns are put away we will never meet again. None of my friends know how deeply this concerns me. I have cried for the past week. I don't want to leave them. They are my life and to know I will only see them for the next three years...I can't take it. I wish I had more time. Half of my friends I almost never hang out with except for at school. I want to change that. I want to see them all the time, because I know that no one will be following me to Arizona State. Tiana and Ashlee have made plans to go to college in Hawaii. Rachel is moving far away. Lydia will go to Montana and find a lumber jack. They are all going places...they will all see each other some day again, but not me. I will be a loner and travel to Arizona by myself. Millie will visit occasionally, but other than that it will just be me. What if I never see Ellie, Abbie, Tiana, Ashley, Taylor, Erika, Desiree, Rachel, ect. ever again!? How am I supposed to walk through the halls and be told that they can't hang out? At the speed time is moving tomorrow might be the last day I get to see them.
I can literally see all of my friends grown up with happy lives, amazing families, and friends. Ashlee and Tiana will be neighbors. Tiana will marry some handsome black lawyer and Ashlee will marry some Gorgeous rich gymnast and they will live in huge mansions and have amazing lives. Rachel will find some beautiful guy that will treat her right and live in a cozy house filled with love. Lydia will live in a log cabin in Montana that over looks a pasture with some hunk of a guy to call her own. They will all have grand lives....but I will not be there to witness them. I will be studying my butt off and living with my parents to try to pay off bills. I will not live a fabulous life and I will never see them again.
Thinking of life without the people that know me best makes me cry.
Three years thats all we have, and we better make the most of it.

I wish you knew that I was alive. You are so funny and nice but I will never get the chance to interact with that side of you. I just have to face walking next to you in the hall and not saying a word. Looking at you and feeling the way I do, even though you are oblivious to it.
When I see him, I shiver, I wish to know him so bad. No one can understand how much I want to call him, see him, talk to him. I can't. Do you know how hard that is, not to see him or talk to him. I know I am repeating everything, but this is the way I feel and I can't help it. BND you have me hooked.
In class we are reading Romeo and Juliet. I wish my life could be expressed as their love is. Everyone laughs because they are so mussy and in love, but when I read it I want to cry. If only their love was real, and it was my life. Minus the part of dying, age difference, and rivalry.
Boy Next Door please notice me. I know you did today, but that is the first time in 3 years. And it was only because I was being loud. I want you. Mistake. I need you.

You are the perfect person. Your nice, funny, and extremely attractive. Thats why you don't notice me. I feel that whenever I like anyone they are going after Tiana or Ashlee, and have no idea that I even exist. Thats what sucks about having friends. You feel like your invisible. The thing is though, I know I'm invisible.No one ever says hi to me, and I really do think I'm a nice good person. I try not to be a jerk, but everyone thinks I am because I'm awkward, nervous, and really crazy. I wish it would just stop, because now I don't even think my friends know who I am.

If you are chosen for something it means you are an all around amazing person.So what does that make me? I mean I know I'm not attractive, but just because they are doesn't mean they should have everything in life handed to them, right?

As I look around this room everyone is naturally gorgeous, but not me. I feel like I have to put on makeup and do my hair to look beautiful, and even then I still don't.

Future???

Maybe someday I will be something great. I could be a college professor, or an author. I really have no idea. I have always wanted to be a forensic anthropologist, but I do like to write, so what if I was to be and author?

My Timer.

I don't know if anyone has every heard of the movie timer, but I wish the concept of it was real. It is about people who have timers put into their arms, and when they meet their true love it goes off. I feel like mine would have already gone off...a long time ago.
The only problem about talking to him is that he is way out of my league. I do not deserve to have a guy as nice and attractive as him. Even though no one else thinks he is very attractive, apparently they can not see what I see, because I see someone beautiful in all ways. If only he saw that in me. The thing is when I think back in time, he might have seen beauty in me. But not anymore.
Anyway back to the timer. I think my timer is my heart it just has never been tested to see if it works right.