Have you ever been in love?
If someone asked me this question I would have one answer.
Once a long time ago there was a boy that made me feel special. Like I was the prettiest girl in the world, like I had it all, and then I didn't. The magical feeling I had gotten has slowly faded over the past five years. To the point that I thought my fantasies of being with him were over, but I have just recently found out that they are not. I still dream of him.
Two nights ago I had a dream like usual that I was talking about how I wasn't beautiful. I usually have these dreams and they only involve me, but this dream was different. I think it was winter, and he told me not to say things like that because I am beautiful and gorgeous. I woke as soon as he said it. Well not exactly as soon as he said it, because I kept on replaying the moment in my head probably for hours.
The weird part about having this dream is that I never remember dreams with such clarity, no I never remember dreams at all. So why did I remember him calling me beautiful?
That is why I knew I was in love with him. Why if someone asks, I can say yes I was in love once. And that is why I might renew my fondness for him, maybe this time he might feel the same way.

You know those movies that make you cry in the first moments. Well I have watched many of those, listened to the messages, and wished my life to be like them. The lonely girl gets the quarterback on the football team. Or the nerdy girl falls for the captain of the swim team. The only problem with those scenarios is that there is no such thing as two people from different parts of life falling in love. If those movies really expressed what happens in high school, then last year when I asked Collin to go to Homecoming he would have said yes. Maybe the person that I actually wanted to go with would have even noticed my existence in this world. Maybe the one guy I actually was myself around would have liked me the same way. I mean I bet some people from different walks of life really do fall in love, but that doesn't mean the one I have pined over for five years has or will ever look at me and say I want to be with that girl till death do us part. As much as I wish the perfect guy would nock on my door and ask me to coffee, it will not happen. That is because I am the fat ugly girl with acne, and of corse he is the jock on the football team. If it would work out, I would have completed my dream of having a movie love affair in real life. Well I would want it to be more of a love affair, but once again love has never really been my cup of tea.
Now to tell you about the guy I have pined over for how long has it been now, five years.
He is sweet and charming. He gets embarrassed when he is caught in slight nudity. He offered to dance with my when I turned thirteen, because I was upset. He laid on my bed and feel asleep when my friends were being noisy. When I went to his house, years ago, he sat there and talked with me in his pajama pants. When my family was spending New Years with his he invited me upstairs, although I didn't go. I had a locker next to him in middle school, and every second I was getting my school books with him, I was smiling.
Sixth grade is when I fell in love with him. Five years later, I still feel the same way as I did standing by him at those lockers.

Beautiful people gone...

The other night I was looking up videos on YouTube, and some videos were morning people that had died. I watched some of them, and sat for hours balling my eyes out. I have always wondered what it would be like losing someone that was close to you. I have lost people before, but I didn't know them when they past. I feel bad for the family and friends. To go through that you must be a very strong person.

Yesterday...

Sarah went home about an hour ago, so I am practically as bored as I could ever be. I met her at the mall yesterday and then she spent the night. Our goal was to workout all night, but instead we started watching some stupid movie about surfers and eventually fell asleep. Sometime in the night my laptop was thrown to the ground. Probably due to my feet that seem to never stop moving. Due to this factor I have realized that I should really go to bed earlier and read books instead of watch immature movies on the internet. When we woke up we went and ate breakfast, then stalked people on Facebook. So that's pretty much what we did. If you want to know what girls usually do keep on reading for the small details I left out. So here they are. When we got home from the mall we decided we were going to go to the middle school and workout. So we took the long way and walked the whole 2 or 3 miles it take to get there. In those miles we discussed the topic of sluts and when people should give peanut butter. We have basically decided that when people are ready and they are in love, then and only then should they have peanut butter. If anyone actually reads my blog you should answer back. That would be great because most of the time I feel like no one actually reads this.

Summer

It's hard to think that this is what my 3rd week of summer. Practically my 4th, and yet I have only bought 4 items and worn 1 semi cute outfit, which doesn't even look that good speaking of the fact that I am wearing a sports bra. The top is horizontally stripped and multi colored. I have on a "cardigan," which is really just a cropped piece of fabric to cover my arms because I am to embarrassed to show them because they are fat and really pale. Then again I am really pale in general, so it doesn't really matter.  Anyway back to the topic. This is the second nice day in summer. The flowers are bloomed and taking over the small "gardens" that my parents decided to build into the deck, which is tearing up...God we should have used other material. Right now what is going underneath the deck is worse. Once again my mother is going off about how she wants everything to be clean and dandy. If she wanted that to happen she might want to gain our respect, so that we would actually do it. To start off with she should keep to her diet that has failed for the past 10 years that she said she was going to lose weight. My dog has now run upstairs. I figure we feel the same way about my mother. I mean I love her, but she is crazy, and no matter what you say to her she seems to make an argument out of it. I have talked to my dad on numerous occasions about this factor of my messed up life. The problem is that the lady of my birth thinks everything she does is right, and she will not stop pestering you until you admit that she is right. Even if she's not.

Life sucks

They don't understand what it's like to walk around and feel discussing. I don't want to be in public, because I don't want to face the humiliation of people seeing how my face is concealed by acne. How my body consists of fat, and my hair is uncontrollable due to the poof the propels its way into space. I wish I was born as someone else. Someone who has nothing to complain about. Someone that can eat  healthy and not gain weight or exercise and lose weight. Not someone who gains 5 pounds when they eat a salad, or can never lose weight no matter how many miles are worn on a track of black decay. I just want all my problems to go away. I want to be able to walk into a room and feel comfortable in my jeans and plain white tee. Instead I look like you stuffed a hippo into a corset. If you can imagine your worst nightmare, that place you never want to see. Then you know how I feel. That isn't even a single part of it though. It's not just my weight and my unbearable acne. It's simply the way I feel whenever I see beautiful people. Beautiful as in people who have the most unbelievable confidence and are completely fine with the way they look in clothes. The ones that don't have to wear makeup to feel gorgeous. I want that type of life, but I guess you have to dress for the life you want to lead. So I should probably make some changes because I don't want to be the fat girl with acne anymore.