I want a guy. No I don't just want any guy.

I used to be really close with my family. These days it doesn't seem to much like that.
It's not like I drifted away, they could still talk to me and ask me how my day was. They just don't. I wish they would just talk to me like the old days instead of telling me I am cold hearted and not worth their time. If only they could see that I'm depressed. It would make my life so much easier. Then they might understand why I am incapable of interesting social reaction. I mean I have my few close friends but even they are to confused by me to stick around. They are slowly drifting apart to. Anyway back to my parents. Whenever I am around them I can't speak adequately or I am completely quite. Another thing I have to deal with is that they want me to get good grades, but they still want me to be with them 24/7. I can't do that. Not anymore. I am to old to throw away my 3.8 something GPA to spend time with my family.
Is this really my life? I have to fight my family to get a good grade? Grades aside, when it comes to my friendships my dad gets on my back about having friends over all the time. I honestly do not have friends....over all the time. No. I honestly do not have friends. I feel like I'm alone. Even when I hang out with my friends I feel like they don't want to get to know me for who I really am. Do they all think I'm some stupid stuck up prick that ignores everyone because I want to. I am not that person. I just can't live my life the way I picture it in my head, and I don't ignore everyone because I want to. It's because I hate myself so much the thought of making other people as miserable as I feel terrifies me. That's right I said it....or typed it.
I ignore everything because I don't want people to see the horrible person I am. That is probably why ghosts haunt me and well I'm basically crazy. I just don't get it! The rest of my family is perfectly fine, but me I sit in my room just starring off in space for hours, just sitting doing nothing. I don't even know what I think about. Maybe I think of what I want my life to be. Who knows? Right? If only someone did know what was wrong with me. My life would be so much less complicated if someone knew the exact dreadful pain I go through to live my life the "normal" way.

When you talk about me and I'm standing right behind you. It's not ok. Even if you talk about people when they are not around it is still not ok. It doesn't look like I have problems but I do. What about all the other people you are hurting that have secrets that they are incapable of letting anyone know.

I can't help it if I have feelings for him, but that doesn't mean I love him, or even like him as more than a friend. Even if I kind of do like him as more of a friend, you really don't need to tell everyone.
When I think about it though I really do like him. If my friends are reading this then ya my secret is out... even though I'm pretty sure it was obvious that I have liked him almost half of the year. I really didn't know it though. And he is not the type of guy I usually like. I mean he used to be a jerk to me when I was growing up, but he has grown up and I like the grown up;) He is damn SEXY!!!! He is also talks to me now and he is definitely not a jerk to me anymore. He actually gives me compliments sometimes...I mean if telling me I look sexy in yoga pants is a compliment.

I walk through the stores like someone out there actually cares about me. I try to walk with a confidence that really doesn't exist. Sometimes I think about where my life went wrong. I believe that in every little kid they have paths that they can take. I guess I forgot which way my signal was blinking on because I turned crashed and burned.