Whirlwind.

I write about people, that's what I do. Those people are usually guys I have my eye on, but that might change. The person I fell in love with last November is back in my life, not in the same way as before, but I can't ignore him. Ignoring, something I have tried to do for almost a year now. Its hard to talk to someone knowing you can feel love towards them. Love is such a powerful thing, I can't think of another word to describe the sensation I felt. Throwing that care away is something I am unable to do. As I said he is back in my life, and so far its been hard. Every moment between us plays constantly over and over again in my head. The thing that really gets me is how much it feels like the old us, the us that made me fall for him in the first place. At times I find his behavior cruel and wish he wouldn't look or talk to me, but what is a little pain to feel a lost connection again. I am Carrie and he is Mr. Big. I want more, and he doesn't know how to react. The other day as we were eating dinner, knowing I am a vegetarian, he asked," Want some chicken?" Something that again reminded me of the past. How do you move on when you find it unbearable. Until recently I regarded him as a stranger, but I can't disregard recent events. Am I justified, or am I a fool falling for the man that broke my heart?

Are there any good guys left?

In a breakup the opposite sex is always to blame. Its either she was a bitch or he was a jerk, but who is really to blame?
I previously got out of, and I say got out of but should say escaped, a relationship of two months that moved along far to quickly than it should have. Now I'm not saying I did everything right, because I did many wrongs, but I like to think my part of this relationship was more structured than his.
The first few weeks flew by, I never really wanted the relationship in the first place, so they flew by in a bad way. I remember calling my friends and asking them for excuses for me not to go but they told me I needed to get out there and live a little. Unaware at the time "living a little" would not be a fun experience. I described our relation ship as a year packed into two months. It seemed all he wanted to do was move along quickly, which is not something I favored being I am currently going into my senior year of high school. He frequently talked about having children in the near future and settling down, something I would need more time for. The worst part about being in a relationship with him was when I disagreed to his proposal he got furious, not the sort of guy you can see fathering your children. During his mad fits he would say things that implied I would or was cheating on him. Once he used the line, "go talk to other guys," which I would never do. See he was a very insecure man, boy is probably more appropriate, his past girlfriend of two and a half years cheated on him. He found this preposterous as if no one wouldn't want him forever, but I definitely could see why she did it although I wouldn't have taken the same action.
I only split up with him last Saturday night and today is Thursday, first though we were on break since the Thursday before that. I was actually going to give him another chance until I went to check if he had a profile on this site called meet me, on which we met. Not only did he still have an account but he also had added a picture just three days earlier. When I questioned him on the matter he said he posted it to show off his tattoo to guys. This is in fact complete bullshit, the site was meant for meeting future interests, yet he still claimed he was posting it to the guys and compared the page to Facebook. In my furious rage I drove to his house, yelled a lot, then left thus ending our relationship.
Now I'm not going to actually pursue anyone on these websites again, but that doesn't mean I cant look. So I made a new profile, I deactivated my old one, and then I made an account on another free online dating website. It turns out that he had lied when he said he deactivated his account and plus he had a profile on the other website as well. My friend also told me he checked out her profile not even a day after we broke up. What a sleaze.
My point is I am glad the relationship is over, and I hope no other girl has to be put through basically being called a whore and all that jazz.

There was a moment, a single moment that time paused and I knew. Looking back I can see that something else must have been controlling that moment. If only I could rewind. I want to live every second over again, replaying it doesn't do the moment justice. That one moment was when my world stopped, that was when I fell in love with him. I saw a life, a life that I still yearn for. I just want the time back, but even if I had the time back I could not have changed his mind.

Him

I have a new job, well not quite new. I've been their since the end of November. I can't believe it has been so long, almost three months. I met him on the second day of work, he was my trainer for the night. We had this instant connection, literally from the moment we started talking I thought, " Is this really happening, I have never felt this way before." We hit it off to say the least. He asked me about where I wanted to go to college and then talked about his plans. I'm not going to lie, it was perfect. He honestly could have been the one. A couple weeks later we went to a bowling work party. That day I went through my entire closet, no shirt was left untouched. It started at seven, but he worked that night and arrived half an hour later. He walked in looking handsome in blue striped sweater. My heart had melted and my soul scorched of a longing for him. That night I also befriended another coworker, I gushed to her everything. That was the first time I had told anyone of my feelings for him. It felt good, just letting everything go, I finally told someone. She of course pressed me to talk to him, so our secluded group of two joined the others. I didn't speak to him much, but he lingered around and I could smell the now familiar scent of him. I thought we were going to iHop after bowling, but to my surprise we ended up at his house. I sat awkwardly on the couch as my coworkers had a full on Nerf war. Then he told me to join him in a game of Foosball, which at first I was terrible at but by the end I caught up with him. It was fun, just being there with him. I felt safe. Everyone ended leaving around eleven and I offered to help clean up, which led me to stay until one a.m. He hugged me goodbye and once again I was comforted by his scent. I texted him the next day, hoping he didn't realize that I never got his number, well at least not from him. We talked for a while, and were friendly at work. I being a big fan of not displaying public affection continuously embarrassed myself with attempts to control my desires. The day after Christmas may have been the most miraculous present I have ever received. We went to the movies to see the new Hobbit movie. With my luck, it sold out, the ticket before I arrived at the booth. When he got there I told him it was canceled, so we ended up seeing the Anchorman 2, which we had to wait forty minutes for. During our wait we got coffee and talked, we arrived at the movie about two minutes before it started. I laughed so much he actually asked if I was okay, I was embarrassed. Then he asked if I would like to hang out at his house, I said yes. I arrived at his house and didn't know where to park so I just drove around his street, again. Embarrassed. His friend was over at his house unannounced and we all watched a James Bond movie. Halfway through the movie his friend had to leave and I ended up moving and sitting by him. For some reason I was freezing cold, and he drew me in. As we snuggled I was so comfortable with him, just not with myself. I went to the bathroom and came back even more cold than before. Once again he drew me into a snuggle, and I knew it would happen. I had been dreaming about this moment from the day I met him. I looked up and we kissed. The most passionate, delicate kiss. I thought it was a dream. I went home again at one a.m. and was grounded for three months, but I didn't care. I had him and it was worth every day of solitude. Unfortunately that was not the case, I didn't have him and on New Years Day I would find out what really went through that mind of his. He told me he could not date anyone at the moment due to school. I understood, but I wanted it to be different. I called my best friend crying, I've never cried in front of anyone before. I came home crying, and the next three days stayed in my bed crying. I wasn't ready to see him, but work prevented that. For the next two weeks I was a symbol of depression. I didn't want to do anything, or see anyone. In public I had to try and keep myself composed. He slowly stopped liking my Instagram photos, and that's when I knew it was all over. I wished I could flash back to the day I met him, or done something differently. I worked with him about a month after the incident, I was now a changed person. I had been trying to move on for weeks and thought I had been successful, but of course I was wrong. As I stacked dishes that familiar smell that makes me melt approached me, touched my lower back, and moved by. Then he once again liked my Instagram pictures. What did that even mean? Is there still a chance?